Jocks and Frocks

Know why it sucks to be Michael Jordan? Because he's the only person in the world who's not allowed to wear a Michael Jordan Jersey.

Think about it - if I wore his jersey to a barbeque or something, no one would even care. But if he showed up wearing it, everyone would think he's a colossal tool. Not that I ever would wear a Bulls jersey - I only wear gang-neutral colors. But the point is, it wouldn't be a big deal if I did. (I mean, it would be kind of a big deal - after all, I have beautiful, pale shoulders. They've been compared to carved ivory...but we're getting off topic here. )

The point is, he's a living legend, an icon of the game, but everyone would still say, "So, uh.. is it laundry day or something?" or "Yeah, man, we get it - you're Michael Jordan - give it a break, Your Airness!" or "Hey, you were supposed to bring the slaw!"

I should mention that in this particular fantasy, the barbeque is a potluck and Jordan had promised to bring coleslaw! (The poor guy just can't win today!)

And it's not just Jordan - this double standard applies to every professional athlete. If Eli Manning goes to the post office wearing his jersey, everyone would think he was a complete wank - it's like a surgeon running his Sunday errands in full scrubs. But we think nothing of a regular schmuck in a Manning jersey who's never played a single day of professional football in his life, but shelled out $50 so he could wear some other guy's clothes!

He's just playing dress-up! So how come society frown on him the way they do when I wear a suit of armor, my bandito outfit or my french maid uniform? (Actually, I'd be happy if all they did was frown - their taunts are both hurtful and surprisingly thorough.)

But maybe the problem is bigger than sports. There's a definite stigma against wearing shirts with your own name stitched on it. And I don't mean for work - there are plenty of people who do that (athletes, janitors, mechanics - as I call them, the embroidered class). But when not working, the only people who walk around with their names on their clothes are children and retarded adults (monograms are different - but they're certainly a sign of latent retardation).

We need to flip our perspective - start calling out the weirdos and start giving the professional athletes some much-deserved, clothing-based credit. After all, what good is making millions of dollars, entertaining countless fans and being able to sleep with any woman you want, if society won't let you wear your peronalized playclothes all the time? And, obviously, when I say that pro athletes can sleep with any woman they want, I'm excluding Randy Johnson. I'm sure even his wife is skittish.