An Earful on an Earful

Whenever I see someone with one of those Bluetooth cell phone ear pieces, they always remind me of animals that have been tagged and released back into the wild. Except that instead of coyotes or deer, it's douchebags.

What's so great about the Bluetooth is that it assigns an absolutely comical urgency and importance to phone calls. As if owning a cell phone in the first place didn't do that job thoroughly enough. But, apparently, having a tiny phone that's on you at all times still isn't accessible enough! The thought process is, "I am on the phone so often! I simply do not have the time in between calls to even put the phone down, nor do I have the energy to continually hold my tiny phone up. Know what? I'm gonna just go ahead and attach this directly to my face!"

It's like sitting in your office with your hand on the phone receiver all day long, just waiting in a state of cat-like readiness for it to ring. And not being ashamed of how sad that is.

And it's not like the people who buy them need to have their hands unfettered (here, I'm thinking of the "hands-free holy trinity": air traffic controllers, sculptors and pizza makers) . They're just regular dudes who don't want to use their hands.

I was in the Men's Warehouse (And, by the way, if ever there was a classy name for a clothing establishment, they've got it covered. They should partner up with Dress Barn for the ladies and just call it a day) and the salesguy was wearing a Bluetooth. And it used to be that if you literally had your hands full - say, selling a suit - you couldn't also answer the phone. And I say thank
God those days are behind us.

It's really reassuring that technology is constantly finding ways to overcome the physical limitations of rudeness. I hope the next development is a Bluetooth that not only helps you ignore and annoy people, but also sprays mud on passerbys or sends out second-hand brain cancer waves in a 50 foot radius (ideally, both)! Let's raise them stakes!

If I ever get a Bluetooth (and I assume such a decision would come after some kind of adult-onset retardation), I would always be twirling two yo-yos, or working a cat's cradle or something. Just to make it seem like this technology has freed me up to all kinds of new activities!

In the meanwhile, I'll be walking around with a letter opener duct-taped to my hand - to let the world know in no uncertain terms that I'm the type of guy who gets urgent mail and lots of it.