Less Money, Mo' Problems

The other night I was in the East Village (I realize not everyone is familiar with Manhattan - but if you've ever seen "Rent," the East Village is the place where they make fun of you for having seen "Rent") As is my custom, I had about $3 in my pocket and, naturally, my bank had no branches in the area (I've eschewed Chase or Citibank in favor of "Latvian Savings," a dependable-but-unpopular Eastern European lending institution). Because of this lack of planning, it meant that I would have to go to a bodega and use one of their Brand-X ATMs for cash.

In general, bodegas are not the type of place you want to be accessing savings or attempting to transfer personal information (it's why I no longer keep my diary hidden in one). But the closest bodega added to the already-admirable level of shadiness by having the ATM mounted directly into the front of the store, right on the sidewalk. No security doors needed! No surveillance cameras required! To reassure me further, someone had actually carved the message "Don't Use" into the screen (I'm not making this up) Furthermore, there was a chalk body outline right beneath where I stood (Ok, that part is false).

So, knowing what I know about the increasing inevitability of identity theft, and having read news stories of ATMs being tampered with and/or being mob-controlled (seriously), I paused for about 4 seconds before taking out 80 bucks.

And I realized that using the bodega ATM is the financial equivalent of having unprotected sex with a prostitute. You go into it knowing it's not a good idea, but, damnit, you have needs - so you do it as quickly and cleanly as you can and hope that you beat the odds.

In an ironic twist worthy of Alanis Morissette (since I'm pretty sure it's not actually ironic), if you pick a real winner of an ATM, you'll not only get ripped off, but also catch some of the very same diseases you'd get from having unprotected sex with a prostitute! (I guess it'd be ironic if you were taking out the money in order to pay a prostitute...I'll have to reread her lyrics.)