I'm Smarter Than Martyrs

I've been thinking about the whole suicide bomber/Islamic paradise thing - and it's really weird that 72 virgins is their big reward for turning themselves into a Jackson Pollock.

I know virgins are pure and untouched and all that - but, by definition, they also know JACK about sex. And doesn't that defeat the whole purpose? What kind of sick joke is that? "Welcome to the eternal orgy! With all virgins!" It's like the twist ending of a Twilight Zone episode! Eternity? You're gonna need it, Casanova.

But it's actually a really telling contrast between our cultures - because the American guy's fantasy afterlife would be shockingly similar - it's just that the 72 women would all be sluts. Which makes infinitely more sense. If the whole goal of that deal is sex with lots of ladies, you want dirty, knowledgeable whores - not 72 women who are going to make you wait six months before they even let you feel them up. Thanks for the offer, Mohammed, but that sounds closer to hell.

So when I hear about a "martyred" bomber, it's comforting to know that even if he is somehow delivered to the promiseland, he still has a wicked case of blue balls.