I Love the 80s! (and I'm a dick)

So, when I saw the car crash caused by Hulk Hogan's uber-douche son, my first thought was "Oh my GOD! That's terrible!"

But then I calmed down - because I realized it wasn't an image from a Transformers sequel!" Whew! What a relief!

Ehhhh - same level of disaster, different budgets. Still, sorry for the mix-up, Bumblebee!

Apparently Spy Is Not Litigious




I know a lot of you have been kept awake wondering, "Man, who does that douchebag Spencer Pratt from The Hills look like? I mean, besides A Human Scrotum."





Well, I'm happy to set your mind at ease:










The basement! You'll love it! It's like a cave with a pool table!

Shhhh, It's Okay Baby -- Daddy's Here...

At my job, I get a stack of free comics every week. (All that's keeping this from being the complete dream job from my childhood is an accompanying delivery of Ring-Dings.) Regardless, a recent comic pile included a thick, black and white book collecting Batgirl's earliest adventures from the 1960s.

And that's cool - kids love Batman. Hell, I love Batman. And I'd imagine that for a young girl, seeing a female version of Batman has got to be pretty exciting and empowering!

Except for for the fact that THIS is the cover of the book:






Aren't you just dying to read her exciting adventures? Are you even still reading this or did you already leave to place your Amazon order (selecting the fasting shipping option, of course)! I mean, there must be some real gems in there if the freakin' COVER STORY involves Batman and Robin beating up a mountain of ruffians while Batgirl stays out of the way and "puts on her face"!

All that's missing is a thought balloon reading, "Oh, those silly men and their awful rough-housing! Someone better buy me something soon! Hrumph! "

I realize not everyone gets a giant stack of comics every week, so let me fill you in on some of my favorite stories from this volume:

-"Red Tide Strikes Again" -- A gang of bank robbers terrorizes the city, but Batgirl sits it out because she's "feeling crampy."

-"Pumps and Circumstance!" -- During an orphanage fire, Batgirl spends 48 pages trying on shoes.

-"Election Daze" -- Batgirl votes for the presidential candidate that Batman tells her to.

-"Crazy Loves Company" -- When the Mad Hatter escapes from Arkham Asylum, Batman is stumped, but Batgirl sees her chance to shine. She shares her plan to catch him with the caped crusader, "Who better to predict the next move of a mental patient than a crazy, illogical female!"

-"Tears of a Clown" -- Batgirl gets badly beaten while apprehending the Joker. However, she doesn't hand him over to the police, claiming it was her fault for getting him so mad.

-"What Cookin' With Batgirl?" -- Desperate to prove that a woman can fight crime just as well as a man, Batgirl wins the respect and support of Batman, Robin and the entire Gotham City Police Department by making them their favorite dinners. Then fellating them.

There's also a great cross-over where she defeats Catwoman by making snide comments about her outfit until she leaves in a huff.

Little Mr. Hilarious!

I'm really excited that the Little Mr. and Little Miss books are making such a big retro comeback! See? That's Little Miss Sunshine on Britney Spears' shirt during one of her many cooter flashes a few months ago...

For those of you who aren't big readers, there were about 80,000 0f these characters, and each starred in a tiny square book telling the story of how they lived up to their names.

For example, there's Mr. Happy...

Who is happy.

And there's Little Miss Curious...

Who's curious.

And there's Mr. Chatterbox...

Who is a real chatterbox!

There's Mr. Noisy...

Who is flamboyantly gay.

(Shut up homosexuals! No one cares about your "rights"! )

And Mr. Fussy...















Who is Hitler.

(Oh Adolf! Always so fussy!)


And there's Mr. Clumsy...

Who is Hitler first thing in the morning.
(Love that bedhead, Mein Fuhrer!)

So I was really excited when I came up with my own addition to this legendary collective.

Her gimmick is that everywhere she goes, she pushes around a baby carriage! Kooky, right? And the funny part is, she doesn't even have a baby! What kind of nutty character does that? Here she is...

Not to give anything away, but there's a surprise twist at the end!

Special thanks to Little Miss Darcy for all the Photoshop help!

A Croc of Shit

It took me a while to figure it out exactly what it is that annoys me about Crocs. Like Hummers, sewer rats, and Joel Madden, there's just something about them that makes me hate them on sight. But after some closer inspection, looking at their stupid colors, rounded edges and soft, flexible rubber, it finally hit me. They're like some kind of safety clogs that would be given to Dutch Special Ed. students.

Dutch Teacher: We'd, like your son Jörgen to try the Crocs for a bit.

Jörgen's Father: (turns to wife) Damnit! This is because of your half-witted brother's genes!

Jörgen's Möther: (weeps gently into a windmill-embroidered handkerchief)

Dutch Teacher: Now, now - it's very common. We just want Jörgen to prove that he won't give himself a splinter, or put out his eye with the toe tip. He could be wearing real clogs with the other children by the time he's in 5th grade! Provided he also stops setting fires and soiling himself.

Jörgen HAS to wear them - why are you?

The Dogfighting Days of Summer!

I'm pretty fascinated with the trouble Michael Vick has gotten into for running dogfights. I just really admire the fact that, despite the trappings of fame and fortune, he's remained so down-to-earth and can still enjoy the simple pleasures -- like watching one dog tear another's throat out.

But come on, Michael! You're a multi-millionaire! Just because you're a cruel, blood-thirsty dirtbag, it doesn't mean you can't up your game and raise the stakes a little! The same way you now drink Cristal instead of Asti Spumante, you can also afford a better level of bloodsport! Get some peacocks to fight! Pit some homeless dudes against one another! Hell, with your money, go ahead and genetically-engineer some velociraptors! You can get a little fancy and still keep it real.

But Michael's not the only victim here -- if you think about it, the dogs are victims, too! (I know, it sounds weird, right? Dogs as victims? What's next, schnauzers as defense attorneys? Ha!)

The Washington Post had this to say about the sport:

Historically, dogs seized and found to have been part of a dogfighting operation are euthanized because their level of aggression makes them unfit pets and neighbors, according to John Goodwin, a spokesman for the Humane Society of the United States.

And I understand why dogfighting is wrong - it's cruel and barbaric and inhumane (you know it's inhumane because the HUMANE Society is against it!) And, of course you want to rescue the dogs from a potentially lethal situation like dogfighting. It just sucks that being "rescued" includes getting killed. It seems like the solution is worse than the problem, really. Because all you're doing is removing them from a potentially lethal situtation and putting them into a DEFINITELY lethal situation!

If you were a dog that was really good at dog fighting, you'd be SO pissed when the Humane Society showed up.

Why have we given up on these dogs? They could still learn to become gentle, productive members of the community! There needs to be some kind of activity to rehab and recondition these pups and steer them away from a life of violence.

I'm thinking midnight basketball

Kelly Rowland Doesn't Understand Her Own Album Title

Destiny Child silver medalist Kelly Rowland was on Good Day New York talking about her new solo album "Ms. Kelly." And for whatever reason, everyone on the show was pronouncing it "Miss Kelly."

My first thought was that she's an idiot -- "Ms." is pronounced "Miz" and Miss is just...well... "Miss." But then I started worrying that maybe I was the idiot. Worse still, maybe I'd been wrong for years! I mean, the anchors were pronouncing it as "Miss," too!

Then it got worse, because if I was wrong, that would mean Kelly Rowland was right --indicating that, on some level, Kelly Rowland was smarter than me. And I didn't want to be dumber than someone who had agreed to be in Freddy Vs. Jason (Lochlyn Munro, I could live with -- but not Kelly Rowland.)

So, I nervously looked it up on dictionary.com and was more than a little relieved to see that I was right -- "Ms." is "Miz" and "Miss" has no abbreviations at all. My Kafkaesque nightmare was over (I'm not saying it would've been one of Kafka's best works...)

When I saw the interview on TV, I only caught the tail end of it, but I managed to find the whole thing online. And watching it, a few things are clear:

1) Rowland definitely thinks that "Ms." is an abbreviation for "Miss."

2) She's most likely unaware of the "Miz" title altogether

3) She decided to name her album that anyway, going on countless radio and TV shows repeatedly mispronouncing the title of her own album.

Despite her misconception, Rowland does have strong feelings about what the title "Miss" connotes: namely, "more...grown"

I strongly urge you to watch the first 30 seconds or so, because the female anchor clearly had the same problems I did:

http://www.myfoxny.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=FCF1A5361DE4B9726ADD27DFD8911A24?contentId=3666706&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

I love how the female anchor starts off giving Rowland the benefit of the doubt in clearing up the confusion, but soon has to jump ship. And pay close attention as the male anchor smoothly urges his coanchor to shut up and just humor Rowland's complete ignorance of surname prefixes, before she makes Rowland cry or her head explode.

I had no idea that Good Day New York was such a subtlely brilliant emotional ballet!

P.S., Kelly Rowland is a skillionaire.

My New Favorite Thing



I'm something of a student of human nature. By which I mean, of course, that I like to laugh at douchebags.

At a bar, I'm not much for pool or darts. Jukeboxes can be unpredictable and trivia machines are boring. But douchebags are endlessly entertaining - and free!

So I was delighted (DELIGHTED!) to discover the amazing arcade game Stacker! Stacker is noteworthy not only because it uses shiny, flashing lights and the promise of prizes to attract douchebags, but it also controls douchebags like marionettes, making them dance wildly for the amusement of all onlookers!


For those of you unfamiliar with Stacker (shame on you!), here's how the game works: as a single row of squares moves horizontally back and forth across the screen, you have to hit a button to stop it, so it lines up with the previous row of squares. It's kind of like "Press Your Luck" - but without a breakdancing Whammy to soften the blow of defeat.


It's a dollar per play - and it starts off easy, when you can win "minor prizes" like keychains and pens. But when you stack higher, you get into "major prizes" like PlayStation Portables and iPods.

I know what you're thinking - a dollar to win an iPod? This game has got to be super-fixed!

Oh, and it is! The fact that it's bacially a high-stakes, more crooked version of the "claw game" should be obvious to anyone...unless you're a douchebag!

So, for a wonderful, magical evening, I got to watch a group of 3 meatballs spend 50 bucks and almost a full hour figuring out what most children would've deduced in minutes. Here is their basic comprehension process:

Game 1: "An iPod? Yo, I'll take an iPod for a buck - lemme try this."
Games 2-15: "Damn, this is hard! Yo, I bet we can figure this shit out!" (much furrowing of brows, and rolling up of pinstriped sleeves)
Games 16-37: "Damn. This thing is tricky as hell - but we were close on a bunch of them! Yo, I can't BELIEVE you fucked me up on that one game! Let's get serious and beat this bitch!" (more yelling, feigning to punch the Stacker/each other)
Games 38-50: "Damnit! This fucker is SO rigged! Now we GOTTA beat it!"

I mentioned it was a dollar a play, but you could also get 7 games for $5. Although, they only seemed to be feeding in singles. They were intent on losing as much money as possible! No pussy-ass bargains for this think tank!


During the whole process, there was a slow erosion of confidence as it gradually dawned on them that, FUCK! maybe this machine IS fixed! Still, they played on -- I guess partially because even if winning an iPod costs them $375 in plays, that's still a good deal, right?


Eventually, they gave up in defeat, like modern day John Henrys. Except, John Henry couldn't keep up physically, while these guys got outsmarted by the SwindleBot 500.

Seeing their repeated, distraught reactions after getting sooooo close to winning, but coming up short - - it was like watching someone get furious at a slot machine, or a wishing well. Or a paper shredder that repeatedly devoured your twenties.

And the capper is that this all took place in The Crocodile Lounge -- a bar where you get a free personal pan pizza with every pint of beer you buy. Free pizza! It's one of Manhattan's rare and legitimately great bargains, yet these knuckle-fuckers STILL sought out a way to get ripped off.

And for that heroic determination, I -- and the makers of Stacker -- are endlessly grateful.

Ya Ya? No No!

Be it Ya-Ya, Traveling Pants, or some as-yet-unnamed monstrosity, if a movie's got "Sisterhood" in the title, I steer clear. And that goes double if it's "Sistahood."

Actually, based on this picture, I may have rushed to judgment...