It's Always the Year of the Rat!

Recently, a building across the street from our apartment was knocked down. And as a result, there's a herd of displaced rats constantly scurrying back and forth from their old demolished home to potential new homes on my side of the street. And, of course, it's pretty gross to see a pair of rats scampering on the sidewalk ahead of you - but I soon started to feel bad about my disgust. After all, if it were squirrels or chipmunks traipsing about, it'd be adorable! But rats get no love whatsoever - it's a despicable double-standard!

Sure, rats are dirty and eat garbage - but what animal doesn't? It's not like squirrels shower daily and shop at Whole Foods. (Actually, even in humans, those two traits don't coincide...ZING!) Besides, it's been centuries since a plague - just how long are we going to stay mad?

If we were completely honest with ourselves, we'd realize that there's one simple real reason we hate rats: the tail. Every "wild" animal that society tolerates has a cute tail. Squirrels? "Oh, big bushy tail! Give them some peanuts!" Chipmunks? "Awww, fuzzy little nubbin! Let's pet them!" Rats? "Ugh - rubbery, hairless whip. You distract it while I crush it with this cinder block!"

Still don't believe in the hypocrisy? Raccoons rifle through garbage, carry Rabies, keep nocturnal hours (like rapists), and are shifty-looking (what's with the mask, rapist?). But people love them! But give raccoons a giant rat tail and what have you got? A possum! (or "opossum," if you insist on being an asshole) And as we all know, a possum is just a rat that is big enough to maul you and eat your intestines while you're watching, still alive. (We all know this!)

It's clear that New York doesn't have a rat problem - it has a rat prejudice. Fortunately, we can solve this problem - and without any costly extermination or diversity training. All we need to do is eliminate those tails! Just cross-breed them with foxes or something equally bushy (This could really be Justin Guarini's chance to redeem himself!) Ten to fifteen years of that and we'll have a gaggle of adorable, cuddly "Roxes"(patent pending) running around the city! Instead of recoiling in disgust, tourists would be posing for pictures and letting them eat breadcrumbs out of their mouths! (The rat problem would be solved, but tourists would still be morons.)