Some Things I Saw on the Street Today!

-A truck for "Yeast and All Baking Ingredients" - which alludes to an impressively thoroughly stock - almost cocky, really! I imagine the following exchange at their store:
CUSTOMER (probably wearing a chef's hat): Excuse me, but do you carry...
CLERK: Yep.
CUSTOMER: But you didn't even hear what...
CLERK: We've got ALL baking ingredients, guy. It's right on the sign, Dr. Hawking.
CUSTOMER: (Quietly takes out revolver and blows his own brains out)
END SCENE!

Of all the ingredients to spotlight, yeast isn't exactly the matinee idol that gets people excited about baking. It's not delicious, it smells terrible, and it's most commonly associated with a feminine hygiene problem.
That aside, though, written underneath"Yeast and All Baking Ingredients" on the back of this truck was the message "Just Say No To Drugs!" The paintjob was new and very professional, so it wasn't some handpainted afterthought, or some hold-over from the 80s. But it made about as much sense if the Poland Spring Truck had "Always Practice Safe Sex!" written in calligraphy underneath their logo. I guess they figured it was a message that needed to be spread - and that if the kids look up to and listen to ANYONE, it's the purveyors of baking supplies.

-A shirtless guy who was clearly proud of his body - which is no real rarity, except for the fact that he was pushing up 9th Ave. on a Razor Scooter. Kind of sad, really, because with the obvious gym time and the shirtlessness, he had expended a LOT of effort to send the message "I am sexy." And it was all immediately undone by his choice of transportation, which screamed "Do not have sex with me ever."
Basically, no one's going to be impressed with your amazing biceps if they're holding onto a pair of three-foot-high handlebars . He really should have just run up the street chanting "I have syphilis! I have syphilis!" - he would've gotten more exercise and it would have been less of a turn-off to women.

-A very casual businessman - soon after seeing the scooter enthusiast, I passed a guy wearing jeans and what can only be described as a tanktop polo (collar, three buttons, no sleeves whatsoever). And, of course, he had a briefcase. I have no idea what he was up to, but I like to think the briefcase was filled with cash, and he was negotiating for the safe return of his sleeves.

-A Learning Annex flier featuring Jessica Biel - which is the perfect opportunity for struggling actresses to ask Biel for tips on how to make it in movies. Well, let's see - you studied drama in school, you've got lots of theater experience, you're always working to hone your craft. You seem to be doing everything right.... Oh, wait! Are you really, really hot? No? Well there's your problem! Mmm hmmm - rookie mistake! That'll be twenty bucks!

-A gang of street urchins fighting a swarm of rats for the meat on the corpse of a hobo - oh, Mondays!

I Will Be A Millionaire Restauranteur!

New York has a lot of really popular restaurants that sound like they were started by well-funded 8-year-olds. There's a mac & cheese restaurant, another one that only sells rice pudding, and there's even a peanut butter and jelly place. There were also TWO separate grilled cheese restaurants, until one closed (I guess the market couldn't support both - considering all you need to make your own is 78 cents worth of ingredients and an iron). But for the most part, these places are amazingly successful.

Which is why I've been racking my brain trying to come up with the next big fad. Maybe this city is begging for a place that only serves tap water (I'd call it "Waterworks"!) Or the next big thing could be "Puttin' on the Ritz!" - an exciting new dining experience that offers over 40 toppings to put on Ritz crackers! Huge! Or maybe a dorm-themed eatery that only features Ramen noodles! (I don't have a name for the place yet, but maybe I could go with a reggae angle instead and call it "Hope You Like Ramen, Too!")

Sure, they're all million dollar ideas, but wasn't it Donald Trump who said, "Million dollar ideas are for faggots"? (Answer: no)

And that's when my SKILLION-dollar idea hit me! An idea so trendy, so comfort food-centric, so nostalgic yet ironic (or "nostronic") that it's guaranteed to make me as rich as a castmember of "That 70s Show"!

Discriminating diners of New York City, I give you... "Lefty's: The Left-overs Restaurant"! Here's how it works: customers bring in their left-overs from home and, after paying a $10-per-person table fee, they heat them up in a personal, table-top microwave. Then they eat them. And afterwards, they wash their own plates and leave (tipping is optional, but sneeringly-encouraged).

If anyone is interested in investing, or just has an old microwave they want to get rid of, let me know. Get in now before the "Time Out" cover story has the line wrapping around the block! Remember, the sooner you start cooking, the sooner we can seat you!

See? No! Evil!

If I was blind (and if adult onset diabetes doesn't do it, my love of bottle rockets surely will), I'd be bitter about losing my sight and having to learn Braille - and as a result, I'd also really resent anyone who still had their vision. But it would definitely ease my pain if all Braille reading material included hidden jokes about people who weren't blind. It'd be a nice, secret "Fuck you!" to the rest of the eye-using world. And how would they ever find out?
It'd soothe my tortured soul to open up my Braille edition of "Classical Pianist Monthly" (I just assume that after my blinding, I'd take up classical piano) and read a delicious bon mott like, "It takes two 'i's to make an 'idiot!' (you know - "i"s to "eyes" - it's more of a verbal gag, but you get the idea).
And for the same reason, I think people who aren't deaf should be taught the wrong meaning for some sign language. That way, deaf people can have the last laugh when non-deaf people say goodbye to them by unknowingly signing, "Have a nice testicle."

Mix Tape Emotions

Over the weekend, my girlfriend and I were sitting around, picking a CD to listen to, and she suggested that we put on a mix I had made her. And it was extremely exciting, because that happens to be my favorite kind of music - the kind that I've selfishly preselected!
Making someone a mix tape is supposed to be really thoughtful and even romantic, but if you cut through all the crap, you're just saying, "I think your taste in music is pretty shitty...here, listen to these songs that I like!" Come to think of it, that was actually the mix's title.

All the News That's Tits to Print!

I was riding home on the subway today, and the guy sitting across from me was reading some Asian language newspaper. I have no idea what it said (although today's Beetle Bailey was funny in ANY language!), but the title of the backpage must have roughly translated into "Sheer Blouse Round-up" - because the entire bottom half of the page was devoted to images of women in see-through shirts (with accompanying text - that I'm sure was extremely entertaining and painfully unnecessary).
The best part, though, was that it wasn't some sketchy guy reading a pervy paper - it was a normal looking Asian man, reading what's probably the equivalent of the NY Post. And I learned two things from this cultural study. One, our newspapers suck. And two, even though no one noticed or cared what this guy was reading, the second I started masturbating to it, all of a sudden, I'm on a train full of prudes.

Items That Have Fallen Inbetween the Counter & the Stove
(presented in chronological order and with the accompanying concern they caused)
-A blob of butter: greasy, could cause fire, somewhat worried.
-An unopened 8x11 envelope (sent from my work, used in a failed attempt to retrieve the butter): envelope probably contained personal information, no threat of it leading to identity theft now: not worried.
-A good-sized hunk of brocolli stem: deemed "no big deal" by my girlfriend - she's a vegetarian and I trust her on these things, not worried.
-Roughly half of a "restaurant style" Tostito: I enjoy Tostitos a great deal, not worried, just sad.

Stay tuned for updates! Also, if anyone knows how to make one of those precision water cannons that they used to free Baby Jessica, please post instructions in the comment section.