5 Things I Saw at the New York Comic Con This Past Sunday

1. Gary Coleman

There was a table of three Star Wars actors selling autographs (Darth Maul, Chewbacca and lil' Boba Fett, of course) and at the end of that table, inexplicably, was Gary Coleman. I'm pretty positive he wasn't in the movies (although there were a lot of Ewoks, and who's to say who was under that fur). The point is, he made it a bizarre group - even for a place that's made up entirely of bizarre groups. I'd make a joke about him, but seriously, this is apparently the guy's livelihood, and that's sad enough. Besides, he probably wasn't there two minutes before someone asked him, "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Wookie?" (And that someone was me!)

2. A Playboy Playmate

That's just sadistic! When you're at what is, essentially, a virgin convention, you don't force the socially awkward teens to interact with a professional sexpot! That's like making a diabetic eat a garbage bag full of cotton candy. Don't shock their systems like that. Start them off with Yvonne Craig and let them find their way from there... Baby steps!

3. Three guys, all dressed as Superman

Not particularly noteworthy, except for the fact that they were all huddled together, excitedly and awkwardly talking about a girl there who was dressed as Supergirl. Apparently, you can add "casual social interaction" to the list of the Man of Steel's weakness.

4. Black 20-somethings dressed up as Naruto characters

For those of you who don't know, Naruto is a Japanese cartoon about a ninja training school. And for those of you who do know - why? I guess if white kids can co-opt the gritty, urb

an black culture, black kids can co-opt the nerdy suburban white culture. MLK talked about it in his "I Have

an Extremely Nerdy Dream" speech.


And, of course...


5. Princess Amidala with a FUPA

Just use your imagination on that one. Better yet, don't.

Finally, Something for Kelly Rowland to Enjoy!

Despite what my girlfriend will tell you (and she WILL tell you), I came up with a joke that I think is hilarious. Give it a try!

YOU: Knock, knock!

SOMEONE OTHER THAN YOU: Who's there?

YOU: Beyonce!

NOT-YOU PERSON: "Beyonce" who?

YOU: Beyonce who?!?! Are you serious? Beyonce Knowles, genius!!! Jesus, how many Beyonces do you know? Ever heard of Destiny's Child? How about Dreamgirls? Ringing any bells? Wow! Do you live under a rock or are you just retarded? She's on the cover of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for chrissakes! She's impossible to avoid! Jesus, my grandmother knows who she is! Hello?!? (And so on!)

The trick is to spin it out into an epic, Aristocrats-esque freestyle performance. Try pulling in bystanders to join the mocking ("Hey, buddy! Can you believe this guy here doesn't know who Beyonce is?!?") Just keep it going for as long as you can. You can stop when you get tired of hearing your own voice (with my robust baritone, that's not a problem), the other person starts crying (dry-heaving is also acceptable) or both.

Superman Vs. Specialman

Know what's pretty disturbing about Superman? The fact that one of his main villains is Bizarro - a character that's just a disheveled, moronic, "opposite" version of Superman. As if that weren't enough, he also speaks in a weird "opposite" style. For example, if Bizarro was going to punch Superman, he'd say "Me am not going to punch you, Superman." So, basically, Superman - America's hero - regularly beats the shit out of the retarded version of himself.
















And, obviously, that's horribly, horribly wrong - but it's also hilarious. Because life doesn't work that way - your arch enemy never ends up being a mentally retarded person who looks kind of like you. If that ever changes, though, Eric Stoltz is going to be locked in constant battle with Chris Burke from Life Goes On.