Some Settings To Avoid When Writing An Axe Body Spray Commercial


-A family reunion
-The free clinic
-Prison (the male kind)
-An old age home (any kind)
-A Convention for the National Association of Gay Steve Buscemi Impersonators

You've Mislead Me, Rachel Ray!

Obviously, I'm big fan of Rachel Ray - as well as anything else that Oprah has expressed an even mild fondness for. And tonight, I made Ray's chili recipe from her "30-Minute Meals" book. But I found out that it winds up taking longer than half an hour for that particular dish if, while cooking, you forget that you've been handling jalapenos and then absent-mindedly rub your eyes. In the end, the whole half-hour timeframe is completely thrown off if you spend 15 minutes in the bathroom furiously splashing water in your face and saying "Ahhh! Fuck!" over and over again, while trying to push past the pain so you can open your eyes long enough to make sure they're not actually bleeding.

That one's more of a "45-Minute Meal...That Leaves You Feeling Like a Thwarted Mugger." But I guess her title sells more books

I'm Not Above Stealing From Spy!

I've been following the Nicole Richie death watch pretty closely, and obviously she's gorgeous - that's a no-brainer. What's harder to figure out, though, is exactly what makes her so damned attractive.

Then it hit me - that stringy hair, that poor posture, that sickly figure, those noodle arms! Of course! She's a dead ringer for sexiness incarnate - young Richie Tenenbaum!

Lookin' good, Nicole - keep it up, you stone cold fox!

Double-O Heaven

Another year has come and gone - which means that on New Year's Eve, there were lots and lots of people wearing those 2007-shaped novelty glasses.

Just a side note, but it's pretty ironic that with novelty items, the novelty wears off almost immediately - except for the ice cube with a fly in it - that's hilarious AND a thinker.

But somehow, these glasses beat the odds, too - they've been going strong for 7 years now! In fact, I took my 2006 pair to LensCrafters and got them fitted with prescription lenses.

Whoever thought them up is definitely raking in the money (probably with some kind of hilariously-designed, novelty rake). Yep, he's sitting pretty...for now. Because come 2011, he's out of double-O years and that glasses-making gravy train comes to a screaching hault!

As it is, he's probably working over time to revamp designs for 2010 ("Damnit, the eyes are just too far apart! Hmmm...maybe we can use the 1 as the nose bridge! To the molding plant!") But after that, he's screwed until 2020! What's he supposed to do? Trying to sell a line of glasses to companies with two consecutive Os in their name? (I'm looking at you Google! And you, too...uh...Cheez Doodles?)

That's no way to live! If he intends to keep living the high life in 2011, there's only one solution to his problem: novelty monocle.