Little Mr. Hilarious!

I'm really excited that the Little Mr. and Little Miss books are making such a big retro comeback! See? That's Little Miss Sunshine on Britney Spears' shirt during one of her many cooter flashes a few months ago...

For those of you who aren't big readers, there were about 80,000 0f these characters, and each starred in a tiny square book telling the story of how they lived up to their names.

For example, there's Mr. Happy...

Who is happy.

And there's Little Miss Curious...

Who's curious.

And there's Mr. Chatterbox...

Who is a real chatterbox!

There's Mr. Noisy...

Who is flamboyantly gay.

(Shut up homosexuals! No one cares about your "rights"! )

And Mr. Fussy...















Who is Hitler.

(Oh Adolf! Always so fussy!)


And there's Mr. Clumsy...

Who is Hitler first thing in the morning.
(Love that bedhead, Mein Fuhrer!)

So I was really excited when I came up with my own addition to this legendary collective.

Her gimmick is that everywhere she goes, she pushes around a baby carriage! Kooky, right? And the funny part is, she doesn't even have a baby! What kind of nutty character does that? Here she is...

Not to give anything away, but there's a surprise twist at the end!

Special thanks to Little Miss Darcy for all the Photoshop help!

A Croc of Shit

It took me a while to figure it out exactly what it is that annoys me about Crocs. Like Hummers, sewer rats, and Joel Madden, there's just something about them that makes me hate them on sight. But after some closer inspection, looking at their stupid colors, rounded edges and soft, flexible rubber, it finally hit me. They're like some kind of safety clogs that would be given to Dutch Special Ed. students.

Dutch Teacher: We'd, like your son Jörgen to try the Crocs for a bit.

Jörgen's Father: (turns to wife) Damnit! This is because of your half-witted brother's genes!

Jörgen's Möther: (weeps gently into a windmill-embroidered handkerchief)

Dutch Teacher: Now, now - it's very common. We just want Jörgen to prove that he won't give himself a splinter, or put out his eye with the toe tip. He could be wearing real clogs with the other children by the time he's in 5th grade! Provided he also stops setting fires and soiling himself.

Jörgen HAS to wear them - why are you?

The Dogfighting Days of Summer!

I'm pretty fascinated with the trouble Michael Vick has gotten into for running dogfights. I just really admire the fact that, despite the trappings of fame and fortune, he's remained so down-to-earth and can still enjoy the simple pleasures -- like watching one dog tear another's throat out.

But come on, Michael! You're a multi-millionaire! Just because you're a cruel, blood-thirsty dirtbag, it doesn't mean you can't up your game and raise the stakes a little! The same way you now drink Cristal instead of Asti Spumante, you can also afford a better level of bloodsport! Get some peacocks to fight! Pit some homeless dudes against one another! Hell, with your money, go ahead and genetically-engineer some velociraptors! You can get a little fancy and still keep it real.

But Michael's not the only victim here -- if you think about it, the dogs are victims, too! (I know, it sounds weird, right? Dogs as victims? What's next, schnauzers as defense attorneys? Ha!)

The Washington Post had this to say about the sport:

Historically, dogs seized and found to have been part of a dogfighting operation are euthanized because their level of aggression makes them unfit pets and neighbors, according to John Goodwin, a spokesman for the Humane Society of the United States.

And I understand why dogfighting is wrong - it's cruel and barbaric and inhumane (you know it's inhumane because the HUMANE Society is against it!) And, of course you want to rescue the dogs from a potentially lethal situation like dogfighting. It just sucks that being "rescued" includes getting killed. It seems like the solution is worse than the problem, really. Because all you're doing is removing them from a potentially lethal situtation and putting them into a DEFINITELY lethal situation!

If you were a dog that was really good at dog fighting, you'd be SO pissed when the Humane Society showed up.

Why have we given up on these dogs? They could still learn to become gentle, productive members of the community! There needs to be some kind of activity to rehab and recondition these pups and steer them away from a life of violence.

I'm thinking midnight basketball

Kelly Rowland Doesn't Understand Her Own Album Title

Destiny Child silver medalist Kelly Rowland was on Good Day New York talking about her new solo album "Ms. Kelly." And for whatever reason, everyone on the show was pronouncing it "Miss Kelly."

My first thought was that she's an idiot -- "Ms." is pronounced "Miz" and Miss is just...well... "Miss." But then I started worrying that maybe I was the idiot. Worse still, maybe I'd been wrong for years! I mean, the anchors were pronouncing it as "Miss," too!

Then it got worse, because if I was wrong, that would mean Kelly Rowland was right --indicating that, on some level, Kelly Rowland was smarter than me. And I didn't want to be dumber than someone who had agreed to be in Freddy Vs. Jason (Lochlyn Munro, I could live with -- but not Kelly Rowland.)

So, I nervously looked it up on dictionary.com and was more than a little relieved to see that I was right -- "Ms." is "Miz" and "Miss" has no abbreviations at all. My Kafkaesque nightmare was over (I'm not saying it would've been one of Kafka's best works...)

When I saw the interview on TV, I only caught the tail end of it, but I managed to find the whole thing online. And watching it, a few things are clear:

1) Rowland definitely thinks that "Ms." is an abbreviation for "Miss."

2) She's most likely unaware of the "Miz" title altogether

3) She decided to name her album that anyway, going on countless radio and TV shows repeatedly mispronouncing the title of her own album.

Despite her misconception, Rowland does have strong feelings about what the title "Miss" connotes: namely, "more...grown"

I strongly urge you to watch the first 30 seconds or so, because the female anchor clearly had the same problems I did:

http://www.myfoxny.com/myfox/pages/Home/Detail;jsessionid=FCF1A5361DE4B9726ADD27DFD8911A24?contentId=3666706&version=1&locale=EN-US&layoutCode=VSTY&pageId=1.1.1&sflg=1

I love how the female anchor starts off giving Rowland the benefit of the doubt in clearing up the confusion, but soon has to jump ship. And pay close attention as the male anchor smoothly urges his coanchor to shut up and just humor Rowland's complete ignorance of surname prefixes, before she makes Rowland cry or her head explode.

I had no idea that Good Day New York was such a subtlely brilliant emotional ballet!

P.S., Kelly Rowland is a skillionaire.